Tuesday morning I was sitting at the Nissan service department waiting for routine maintenance to be completed on my car and thinking of a phrase I had head one of my esteemed spiritual teachers talk about at least a hundred or two hundred times. The phase is “dakini bliss”. She says that once when dealing with a feeing of intense anxiety she talked to her spiritual teacher. He said of her anxiety, “Dakini bliss”. She said, “Of course, dakini bliss”. It was the simple process of accepting that which was weighing her down could be labeled as something positive. At first glance one might say that this is a really silly and stupid game. Try saying that to grieving parents who had just had a 14-year-old child die in a drive by shooting. Let’s hope that they do not have a gun! Try saying this to the spouse who has just been told of the death of his/her partner while serving in a war zone. Try saying this is someone’s son or daughter who has just been sexually assaulted. Dakini bliss? That would be received as insulting and as if intended to minimize the pain that they were feeling.
Sure this might work if the issue was really some minor issue. For example the other day I was opening the blind and it caught on this lovely hand made, art piece, which was hanging on a hook on the window. It caught on the blind and fell to the ceramic tile floor breaking into a hundred pieces. This expensive art piece had been a gift of a dear friend and, thus, was very important to me. I was sad to lose it. On he other hand, I am at that stage of my life which I am attempting to live as simply as possible which would give me more time to spend with friends and just enjoy life. Anything that I can get rid of and not have to dust, clean or otherwise maintain is a blessing. Although I downsized considerably when I moved in August I have found it difficult to let go of gifts from dear friends including a lot of art work – paintings, pottery, glass ware, etc. The main way I seem to be able to get rid of such gifts is to either pass them on to someone who will appreciate them as much as I did or for an act of God, nature or an accident such as happened to the art piece the other day. Thus, it was easy for me to follow, “Darn” with “Dakini bliss!” One more object gone without having to feel as if I was being unappreciative or disrespectful of the giver. To be sure, I loved seeing that glass art piece every day when I sat down to eat at the dinning room table. I loved being reminded of the lovely friend who gave it to me. Fortunately I have other tangible reminders of this very treasured friend – reminders which I daily use such as the glass art coasters.
On the other had, I have difficult time thinking about saying or even thinking, “dakini bliss” when a friend or someone else important to me is having a difficult time or when someone close to me dies. Certainly, if something happened to my delightful son, I would feel overwhelmed with grief. I surely would not be feeling “dakini bliss”. Yet, on another level I would be enormously grateful for all the ways this young man has made my life richer. I certainly could think, “dakini bliss” when having those grateful thoughts. The thought that he would never again have any emotional or physical pain would also make me smile and could arouse grateful thoughts. Selfishly I would grieve the loss of the days I had planned to enjoy with him until I died. Selfishly I would miss the wonderful visits and feel cheated out of the future visits we had planned.
There are many words I would use to describe the feeling which I would experience over loss of my son or even others to whom I am close. These words might include tragic, unfair, awful, unbearable, painful, etc. Dakini bliss would not be a phrase, which popped into my mind.
One of my very close friends has a mother-in-law, the very thought of whom does not evoke any emotions resembling dakini bliss. The thought of her or seeing a phone call from her her does not bring anything close to pleasant thoughts to the mind of my friend. On the other hand, the mere thought of the other grandmother of the nephew she is raising and who is currently visiting always evokes a positive thought akin to “dakini bliss”. That one is easy. Grandma P is a dakini bliss. My friend B is dakini bliss.
Perhaps this time my spiritual teacher, the Buddhist nun, has gone a little too far and has not known real pain – emotional or physical. Perhaps she is one of those Pollyanna persons, which makes one just want to gag! You, the reader, know what I mean. It is that false, overboard friendliness of a waitperson or some other service person that makes you, the pacifist, wants to smack them. “Wack! Shut up, do not say another word and bring my coffee before I kill you.” It is that person that says of your loved one, “How wonderful that they are with God.” No, that does not come near to describing Pema Chodron. She is not remotely close to that sort of person. She is never patronizing and discounting of the pain of others. She is very much in touch with her own pain as well as that of others. Knowing this, I am forced to pay attention to her even when she says something that first seems “over the top”and an unrealistic goal.
How might I move to this very spiritual place of dakini bliss when dealing with a tragic loss or someone as unpleasantly challenging as the mother-in-law of my friend or some other people that I know? Obviously, this human is not so spiritually advanced that he would find this remotely easy and it certainly would not be close to his first, second or third thought! Yet, I am very appreciative of the fact that until I am able to re-label my emotional response I will drown in the abyss of the grief or be sucked into the negativity of the other person. I may not be able to make that giant leap to “dakini bliss” but I can entertain the possibility of letting go of my label of existential angst. As even Pema Chodron reminds me, I can move inch by inch toward my goal of just showing up with love without the need to label every event and every person. I can envision wishing dakini bliss for individuals such as my friend’s mother-in-law and many others that I personally know. I can celebrate the feeling of empathy for such an unhappy person especially when I am no longer with them or listening to them on the telephone. I do know that when I find myself labeling something as negative and then focusing on that thought I want to remind myself to breathe and just be present with love. Perhaps, with practice I will be able to re-label the feeling of anxiety and frustration which I get in such situations. I do believe that as long as I do not get sucked into the emotions of the other person, expect them to be different or tell myself that I need to respond I can move a little closer to a peaceful, loving place within me.
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